holiday

Well the holidays are here. They bring an unusual sting with them this time. For the first time in twelve years we will be celebrating without the mo man. It doesn't just suck for me but for the rest of his family that loved him so much. I have not wanted to write about him because I felt like I was just repeating the same thing over and over again. So what if I am? I do not want to wallow in my feelings. I have attempted to focus on the happy times(which are numerous). This has helped. I want to always be happy and proud that I was able to share my life with such an awesome creature. He was and always will be so much more than just a dog. He was my friend and confidant. I kept thinking to myself "why couldn't this have happened after the holidays? there are so many leftovers I can't give him!" But then I could have come up with a million excuses to stave off the inevitable. The last year I began to appreciate that he would not be around forever. I became more patient and attempted to be more understanding of him. Not that I wasn't either of those things previously but it felt as if my understanding deepened. Even when he was begging like a maniac my irritation was put off because I would rather have him do that then not have him at all. I would have rather him wake me up to take him out than not have him to take out. I was saddened by the fact that I did not have to strategically place myself on the side of my apartment building to avoid the wind so he could stay outside longer.

I usually write my thoughts out on paper so as to make them more cohesive but I was concerned I would not do it at all if I waited. My point is that it still sucks and I still miss him and it still hurts like hell. But thank god for all of those days and nights standing in the cold,chasing him when he found chicken bones the squirrels had dropped or he had wandered into the neighbors yard,all the "nice to meet you's", the tap dancing feet,the stand on your head when you want to work out,the eat your cough drops while you're sleeping,and the honed nose of a beagle who can find your most hidden treats. You mean that chocolate wasn't for me face? And let's not forget the internal conversation of "how mad will she be if i eat her granola bar?"