Lately

I have been very emotional of late about Money. I have tried very hard to ignore and avoid it. That never bodes well so here I am again. Lately I have been looking at puppies online and given careful consideration to adopting one in the future. I think this has been a good step for me. When I say careful I mean to ensure that I do things for the right reasons. I would not want to bring another animal into my home to replace Money (#1 that is obviously impossible he was a special dude) or as a reaction to hiss loss and not being here. I think it is a good thing because I know that when I am ready I will be able to share my life again with an animal. Great that means healing. However it has also helped me to realize just how much I am not ready for that and that is okay. The amount of emotion that has come up with all of this has surprised me a great deal. I don't know why. He shared the most intimate part of my life when no one else was around. We laughed and cried and annoyed each other (sometimes on purpose =}) and snuggled and ran around like children. We played games of tag and explored the neighborhood. Shared food(intentional and not, he was a ninja). He bared witness to some of the most important parts of my life and calmed me down when I was upset. He was goofy and grumpy. At times he would smile or roll his eyes and even sigh. He would always look back over his shoulder to make sure I was there and I was. Just like he was for me. Now he is gone and that hurts so bad. I miss him so much. Admittedly I do not always have the easiest time connecting with people. The ease and understanding of my relationship with him is a constant reminder of that. I am not a recluse and it is not that I am incapable of understanding where people come from. I do not think that a relationship with an animal is less complex but maybe has a bit more honesty to it. Money was a master manipulator but it was not in a harmful manner(only to his waistline). The level of trust and love was earned on both ends. Man's best friend and he was mine. Of course, I am still happy and thankful for him and I think on happy times. But the pain is still there and sometimes it is at a comfortable level. Right now it isn't and I am trying to understand it and go through it.

I miss my funny money and my cuddle money. I miss telling him he looked ridiculous with one ear folded back. Trying to catch him on film when he would do his morning roll on his back and lay there all paws up. Singing to him that he was the best dog in the world even though he liked to play with dead squirrels. His tail would wag from the waist down as though he were spring loaded. I will always miss him.

The pain is constricting my throat and tenses my jaw. It bubbles out of me in tears that do not stop for some time. And right now I do not know how to deal with it and make it better other than to write about it and be as honest as I can.