Learning

Money taught me a lot in the years we spent together. My capacity for love, compassion, patience, and appreciation grew. But I am finding that he is teaching me even now. I see animals differently and the relationship we have or should have with them. As I entertain the idea of a new dog I watch people and the animals in their charge closer than ever. My understanding of them has grown. I had heard many times before that an animals behavior is in result of the human. It is more apparent than ever and frightens me. A lot of people do not seem to have the tools to teach their pets and fulfill their lives. Just watch the dog whisperer or dog town. People treat animals as objects and do not give much consideration to their well being and breed. Hence so many animals end up at shelters or on the street or in need of behavior 911. I am in no means perfect but as I do with most things I desire as much information on the breed of dog I fancy and the species in general. An animal is a life and a responsibility. Not a toy. It is as deserving of respect and happiness as anyone of us. I have always loved dogs but I think I am becoming an enthusiast. They look to us. Man's best friend. What do we show them?

The range of needs and personalities is as much as the variety in the human population. Their history and breeds for protection, hunting, tracking, herding, companionship, etc are quite interesting to me. This new appreciation stems from my love for the Mo Man and wanting to be an adequate parent to whomever I adopt next.

I was discussing my new found appreciation of dogs the other day. I had not put much thought into what dogs represent symbolically. duh. Two possible aspects were presented. The bestial side of man or possibly the ego. As an extension of myself what would it be? Not quite there yet but I did consider that with so much thought and preparation that maybe I am attempting to better care and understand parts of myself. (lightbulb time) I like this idea but it gives me chills to think about my poor fish tank and my unending battle with algae. (deeper unconscious parts anyone?) I now have a vision of Money with a little yoda jacket on teaching me even in death. He was and is so special and I am even more thankful to have had him. I don't want to miss any part of this.

My sister recently lost her dog Two Tone. She did an amazing and honorable thing. She made the toughest decision in Two Tones best interest when most people selfishly would not have. She asked me if I ever see Money. I do. I did tonight. I was putting recycling in the container after walking in the house. When I turned around he was standing behind me wagging his tail with the "welcome home, what are we doing now". I am glad he is still around.

A different approach

or should I say he will never come home again. I know its morose but hey thats the truth. The truth that I am trying to deal with. I guess I was still hoping he would come home again even though he now resides in a sealed box on my bedside table. Well his physical remains anyway. God damn what I wouldn't give to have him next to me right now(not in box). I have fretted over sounding redundant or omg is she still on about that? Yep I am. I miss that little dude, my little friend. I am just coming to realize the above stated. I was hoping he would still come home. I was hoping I would wake up one morning and he would be there. His belongings have gone from a reminder to a hold. If I removed them before I may forget but if I remove them now it means finality. And holy shit I don't want that. This in no way negates anything I have stated or felt previously. I am still happy to have shared my life with him, so happy he is no longer in pain and yes he will always be with me. But I don't want to open this box. It disturbs me when I hold it to feel the contents moving inside. But if I open it I will see what is physically left of him further confirming that he is in fact gone. Yes, I firmly believe that he has moved on to where he needs to be now and I know that one day I will do the same. Maybe I am an idiot. I just miss him so bad. I do not want to accept that he is not coming back, that this is it. Our road has come to an end.

What is this? I cannot explain these feelings and I am a fairly rational person. 40lb dog in a 1lb box. I find that humorous at times. I do not feel sorry for myself. But I am still hurting. Still at a loss. Indeed, I am at a loss.

I titled this a different approach. It was in light of my thoughts of acquiring a puppy in the future. I believe that I will enjoy building a new and different relationship with a dog. Money and I were perfect as we were. Things were as they needed to be for both of us. I have given much thought to how I would want things to be with a new puppy. I considered that I want to try agility and obedience. I have begun watching dog programs on t.v. and reading books and websites attempting to glean any helpful information. I decided that I will approach this with a particular outlook. I see a future where I can raise a certain breed and focus on catering to specific needs not just for the dog but for myself. I would like a dog I can take anywhere that can assimilate to any situation. Not in a militant way but in a fun companion way. It occurred to me that with such thought and consideration I will be more likely to find just what I am looking for and that the dog will be more likely to be in need of me as well. I am not sure that I am conveying these thoughts very well. If I approach the situation with intent (fun,training,companion) an already formed idea of the traits I want and an idea at what the puppy could expect from me. I think i would be more likely to find a dog that suits my needs and vice versa. I will go into the situation with a better idea than me want dog, me want cute puppy. Hopefully, i will be a want ad that can be easily answered by a puppy. Sounds ridiculous I know but the theory is sound at least in my own mind. Who knew you could train a puppy from 6 weeks of age? I didn't.

Lately

I have been very emotional of late about Money. I have tried very hard to ignore and avoid it. That never bodes well so here I am again. Lately I have been looking at puppies online and given careful consideration to adopting one in the future. I think this has been a good step for me. When I say careful I mean to ensure that I do things for the right reasons. I would not want to bring another animal into my home to replace Money (#1 that is obviously impossible he was a special dude) or as a reaction to hiss loss and not being here. I think it is a good thing because I know that when I am ready I will be able to share my life again with an animal. Great that means healing. However it has also helped me to realize just how much I am not ready for that and that is okay. The amount of emotion that has come up with all of this has surprised me a great deal. I don't know why. He shared the most intimate part of my life when no one else was around. We laughed and cried and annoyed each other (sometimes on purpose =}) and snuggled and ran around like children. We played games of tag and explored the neighborhood. Shared food(intentional and not, he was a ninja). He bared witness to some of the most important parts of my life and calmed me down when I was upset. He was goofy and grumpy. At times he would smile or roll his eyes and even sigh. He would always look back over his shoulder to make sure I was there and I was. Just like he was for me. Now he is gone and that hurts so bad. I miss him so much. Admittedly I do not always have the easiest time connecting with people. The ease and understanding of my relationship with him is a constant reminder of that. I am not a recluse and it is not that I am incapable of understanding where people come from. I do not think that a relationship with an animal is less complex but maybe has a bit more honesty to it. Money was a master manipulator but it was not in a harmful manner(only to his waistline). The level of trust and love was earned on both ends. Man's best friend and he was mine. Of course, I am still happy and thankful for him and I think on happy times. But the pain is still there and sometimes it is at a comfortable level. Right now it isn't and I am trying to understand it and go through it.

I miss my funny money and my cuddle money. I miss telling him he looked ridiculous with one ear folded back. Trying to catch him on film when he would do his morning roll on his back and lay there all paws up. Singing to him that he was the best dog in the world even though he liked to play with dead squirrels. His tail would wag from the waist down as though he were spring loaded. I will always miss him.

The pain is constricting my throat and tenses my jaw. It bubbles out of me in tears that do not stop for some time. And right now I do not know how to deal with it and make it better other than to write about it and be as honest as I can.