A different approach

or should I say he will never come home again. I know its morose but hey thats the truth. The truth that I am trying to deal with. I guess I was still hoping he would come home again even though he now resides in a sealed box on my bedside table. Well his physical remains anyway. God damn what I wouldn't give to have him next to me right now(not in box). I have fretted over sounding redundant or omg is she still on about that? Yep I am. I miss that little dude, my little friend. I am just coming to realize the above stated. I was hoping he would still come home. I was hoping I would wake up one morning and he would be there. His belongings have gone from a reminder to a hold. If I removed them before I may forget but if I remove them now it means finality. And holy shit I don't want that. This in no way negates anything I have stated or felt previously. I am still happy to have shared my life with him, so happy he is no longer in pain and yes he will always be with me. But I don't want to open this box. It disturbs me when I hold it to feel the contents moving inside. But if I open it I will see what is physically left of him further confirming that he is in fact gone. Yes, I firmly believe that he has moved on to where he needs to be now and I know that one day I will do the same. Maybe I am an idiot. I just miss him so bad. I do not want to accept that he is not coming back, that this is it. Our road has come to an end.

What is this? I cannot explain these feelings and I am a fairly rational person. 40lb dog in a 1lb box. I find that humorous at times. I do not feel sorry for myself. But I am still hurting. Still at a loss. Indeed, I am at a loss.

I titled this a different approach. It was in light of my thoughts of acquiring a puppy in the future. I believe that I will enjoy building a new and different relationship with a dog. Money and I were perfect as we were. Things were as they needed to be for both of us. I have given much thought to how I would want things to be with a new puppy. I considered that I want to try agility and obedience. I have begun watching dog programs on t.v. and reading books and websites attempting to glean any helpful information. I decided that I will approach this with a particular outlook. I see a future where I can raise a certain breed and focus on catering to specific needs not just for the dog but for myself. I would like a dog I can take anywhere that can assimilate to any situation. Not in a militant way but in a fun companion way. It occurred to me that with such thought and consideration I will be more likely to find just what I am looking for and that the dog will be more likely to be in need of me as well. I am not sure that I am conveying these thoughts very well. If I approach the situation with intent (fun,training,companion) an already formed idea of the traits I want and an idea at what the puppy could expect from me. I think i would be more likely to find a dog that suits my needs and vice versa. I will go into the situation with a better idea than me want dog, me want cute puppy. Hopefully, i will be a want ad that can be easily answered by a puppy. Sounds ridiculous I know but the theory is sound at least in my own mind. Who knew you could train a puppy from 6 weeks of age? I didn't.