Bonding

Money was going through a tough time. His sister Alice had become ill and needed special attention. This put a lot of restrictions on him. He became a little bummed out and I could see it. Being a pound puppy, he was attention starved even at this point in life. Growing up I experienced similar situations so I could relate. I reached out to him and decided he was going to be my best buddy. I made sure whenever I saw him to give as much extra love as possible. I guess we had more in common than I realized. This in no way is a slag on his first parents. They loved him immensely and gave him the best home possible but he became jealous of his sister. For everyone's best interest it was time for him to move on and I declared that it should be with me.

I speak of this lightly but in retrospect helping him was helping me. It was helping the little girl that had been put to the side all of her life. Again this is in no way a detriment to others. Money just needed that extra reassurance and the number one spot. I suppose that psychologically I was equipped perfectly for the job. Oddly enough my cat Sesha did not seem to mind but he was also an awesome furball. The three of us would take long walks and lay in the yard in the sun for hours. Sesha would sleep on my head and Money at my side. Money was there for some major things in my life and helped me through them. The death of my grandmother, the tumultuous end of a relationship,and the death of Sesha. Anytime I was sick or just sad he would lay in bed with me. I remember sharing a triple cream brie cheese,fig spread,and water crackers with him one night. I usually shared all of my food with him including chips ahoy cookies. When he was sick I did the same for him. We were important to each other even if noone else thought so or at least we didn't think they thought so. The amount of people that knew and loved him or were just touched by him and his passing is testament to that. I reckon for me, I knew he loved me no matter. It was unconditional love and I have not known that from many people. For him to be gone is scary as hell for me in that respect. Fortunately for both of us that love never dies and it will always be with us. I know the words and they make sense but I don't completely believe it yet or I am afraid it will not be true for me.

Residual

Tonight a friend of mine told me about an apartment coming up for rent in her building. It is approximately the same size as mine and roughly in the same neighborhood but at a considerably cheaper price. How awesome would that be to save a bunch every month but I do have a lease. I also realized I did not want to leave my place here for any amount of cash in the world. I don't want to be anywhere that Money hasn't been. This is where he was last and the thought of leaving that behind was quite disturbing. I want to rearrange my bedroom but refuse to do so. I want everything to be just as it was when he was here. I don't want to erase him. I just want him to come home but I know he won't. I understand the irrationality of all of this. And I am still happy that he is where he needs to be even if it isn't here with me anymore. The items in my room, the stain on the hallway floor that could easily be cleaned up have become physical loci and topoi of my memories. They make sure that I do not forget anything and I am still too afraid that I will. The happy memories of which I have many are still uncomfortable. The other day as I sat on the edge of my bed I suddenly remembered the smell of his breath. I wasn't physically smelling it but my brain distinctly registered it. I found that to be pleasing though anyone who knew him might think I am crazy. He never brushed his teeth! I can feel the weight of his head when he would rest it on my leg or in my hand. I can also feel the weight of his body when he would lay facing away from me with his hind quarters on my shoulder. And the sweet smell of his head between his ears no matter how filthy the rest of him was.

Super Nova

I thought things were kinda fixed up there for a minute. Look at me I feel better. Then I noticed the seams were about to split all over me. Things were welling up again, building within me. No quick fix (which i thought I didn't want anyway). I had only treated the symptoms, bandaged the wound. I had not yet had time to heal, much less address everything that was going on within me. I don't even know how I feel about things most of the time right now other than sad. And angry at times. Not directly or consciously but just generally disgruntled. I was losing my ability to function at work again. Why do I feel like there is a timer on this? a deadline? Like I am going to put it into a box and store it away. But I guess in all honesty that is what part of me wants to do. Run. Not look back. Or pretend like this has not really happened. Kind of blot it out of my mind.

I realized I had to stop putting so many demands and expectations on myself about it. Secretly within me I was so worried about what everyone else thought. Again with that yes i know.

Everyone experiences things differently and deals with them as such. Who am I attempting to measure myself against? I am trying to learn how I feel about it. The depth of it and what to do with it. Ironic that I am posting this into a semi public forum. I spent over twelve years with Money and the second half of it on a constant basis. I cannot expect or demand myself to be "just fine" especially when I am not.

I had felt this need to let people know I was doing much better. You can talk to me now I am no longer unstable. Then I almost went Dark Phoenix all over the place. Fortunately for me and the known universe I have good friends. This is a process. It will take time. I miss you smooshy face.

Beginnings

Money was originally adopted from a Florida animal shelter by Menton and Sarah. I believe it was predominantly a cat refuge. Hence, his love of meow mix and kitties in general. I lived with him off and on for several years. We were fond of each other but there was a bit of a distance between us. I do not remember the particular day or any specific event that occurred but we both came to a mutual and silent agreement. We knew we could be better friends. It was almost instantaneous. That moment when you really get to know someone that you have already known for quite some time. As though we were both thinking "You know... you're alright" And that is where mine and his story began.

Monsters

For the first time in what seems like forever, I feel happiness. The world had been so dark and heavy. My posts had been written prior to putting them up on the internet and yet I did not think or feel as I do now. I can smile in earnest. It is odd to me that I required an audience. As if by posting my thoughts and emotions they had become concrete. I had drawn them out of me. To partially coin a phrase I had pulled it out by the ears and have seen it but as of yet I cannot call it by name.

Love

Some of this is painfully embarrassing for me but if I intend to be a writer then I must not only write but share it. Everyone says to write what you know so i am doing exactly that. I am not seeking pity but expression. It is somewhat like an exorcism. There will be brighter spots as I will be sharing his happy and quirky moments. Telling our story of the time we spent together. Money was an amazing animal and everyone should know. I have stated many times that the pain I feel is because I was able to love and be loved so greatly. I do not want to elevate him to an unrealistic nature because his faults were part of his charm. At least to me. This deals with love and loss so I want to share it with those that I love.

The next day

I began writing these things a few days ago so I will be making multiple posts from the last few days. This is without any type of form. It is simply me emoting and attempting to work through my feelings etc.

Yesterday should have been titled the attack of melancholy. Not in the proper sense but the common. Or I could have titled it My Life as a Zombie. There is no doubt in my mind that I am depressed. If yesterday was a color it would have been monochromatic grey. Today however seems a bit lighter. Including my extreme lack of sleep. I will take this as a good sign. Silly me. The uncomfortable pain is always beside me. The Elgar cello concerto is probably not the best musical choice for today. Insecurity at times attempts to isolate me. I worry so much that I am annoying my closest friends and loved ones. As if they are secretly judging me. Telling me in their heads to get over it or they think I am just foolish. Fortunately for me I have people in my life that are willing to be honest. I think I want to be happy today and not have my outlook rimmed with .... anger, bitterness, general discontent. Take your pick. I think I look like Durer's angel as i sit here hunched over my notebook, pen in hand shoved against my face. I have a constant undercurrent of emotion. It's like a river or stream running close to the edge of the bank threatening to run over at any minute.

To My Friends and Family

I will warn everyone in advance that my punctuation is lacking so please bear with me.

I have decided to write about a particularly painful situation I am going through. We have all dealt with loss in one aspect or another. My hope is that as I learn to deal with this it may shed some light for myself and others. If nothing else maybe others can identify with me or understand me a little better. I know at times some of my thoughts and emotions leave me feeling quite alone and confused. I would not wish this upon anyone however, loss is a part of life.

On October 18th at approximately 12:40am I had the honor to comfort a friend of mine as he breathed his last. His name was Money and he was not just my dog but my friend and companion. I never knew I could miss someone so much. My heart aches. The battle between my logic and emotions has been quite difficult. At times I am uncertain as to how I feel or should feel. I do not want the pain to go away for fear I will lose him that much more. Yes, I have years of wonderful memories of him but they currently serve as reminders that he is no longer here. Of course I am happy that he is no longer in pain or suffering. I am proud that I was able to help him through his life and his death. The level of trust that I earned from him touches my heart deeply. I used to feel somewhat invulnerable because I had him. Together my little buddy and I could face anything. (Including an angry rottweiler!) But now he is gone. Moved on to wherever his path leads him. I am blessed beyond reason to have shared the time I had with him. This does not change the terrible pain I feel now. His things are untouched. His bag of treats still hangs on my dresser, his bed is still on the floor next to mine. At times I lay on the floor and hug his pillows like I used to when he was there. I feel ridiculous at times because I feel so crippled. The water is still in his bowl slowly evaporating. Parts of my house are a frozen shrine as if untouched he will still be there. Sometimes I don't want to go home. I couldn't start or finish a day without him. I can barely sleep. I wake up every morning after only sleeping a couple hours and lay there in bed. When I feel okay I become disturbed. If I am okay has my love for him become invalidated? Am I just an idiot? Shouldn't I be alright now? Hell, it's been over two weeks. I tried numbing up some but became complacent and irritable. At one point I made the decision to be happy. After all if anyone wants you to be happy it is the ones who love you. How can that be him in that little box on my bedside table? I had the childish idea he would never die....