Super Nova

I thought things were kinda fixed up there for a minute. Look at me I feel better. Then I noticed the seams were about to split all over me. Things were welling up again, building within me. No quick fix (which i thought I didn't want anyway). I had only treated the symptoms, bandaged the wound. I had not yet had time to heal, much less address everything that was going on within me. I don't even know how I feel about things most of the time right now other than sad. And angry at times. Not directly or consciously but just generally disgruntled. I was losing my ability to function at work again. Why do I feel like there is a timer on this? a deadline? Like I am going to put it into a box and store it away. But I guess in all honesty that is what part of me wants to do. Run. Not look back. Or pretend like this has not really happened. Kind of blot it out of my mind.

I realized I had to stop putting so many demands and expectations on myself about it. Secretly within me I was so worried about what everyone else thought. Again with that yes i know.

Everyone experiences things differently and deals with them as such. Who am I attempting to measure myself against? I am trying to learn how I feel about it. The depth of it and what to do with it. Ironic that I am posting this into a semi public forum. I spent over twelve years with Money and the second half of it on a constant basis. I cannot expect or demand myself to be "just fine" especially when I am not.

I had felt this need to let people know I was doing much better. You can talk to me now I am no longer unstable. Then I almost went Dark Phoenix all over the place. Fortunately for me and the known universe I have good friends. This is a process. It will take time. I miss you smooshy face.