I have decided to write about a particularly painful situation I am going through. We have all dealt with loss in one aspect or another. My hope is that as I learn to deal with this it may shed some light for myself and others. If nothing else maybe others can identify with me or understand me a little better. I know at times some of my thoughts and emotions leave me feeling quite alone and confused. I would not wish this upon anyone however, loss is a part of life.
On October 18th at approximately 12:40am I had the honor to comfort a friend of mine as he breathed his last. His name was Money and he was not just my dog but my friend and companion. I never knew I could miss someone so much. My heart aches. The battle between my logic and emotions has been quite difficult. At times I am uncertain as to how I feel or should feel. I do not want the pain to go away for fear I will lose him that much more. Yes, I have years of wonderful memories of him but they currently serve as reminders that he is no longer here. Of course I am happy that he is no longer in pain or suffering. I am proud that I was able to help him through his life and his death. The level of trust that I earned from him touches my heart deeply. I used to feel somewhat invulnerable because I had him. Together my little buddy and I could face anything. (Including an angry rottweiler!) But now he is gone. Moved on to wherever his path leads him. I am blessed beyond reason to have shared the time I had with him. This does not change the terrible pain I feel now. His things are untouched. His bag of treats still hangs on my dresser, his bed is still on the floor next to mine. At times I lay on the floor and hug his pillows like I used to when he was there. I feel ridiculous at times because I feel so crippled. The water is still in his bowl slowly evaporating. Parts of my house are a frozen shrine as if untouched he will still be there. Sometimes I don't want to go home. I couldn't start or finish a day without him. I can barely sleep. I wake up every morning after only sleeping a couple hours and lay there in bed. When I feel okay I become disturbed. If I am okay has my love for him become invalidated? Am I just an idiot? Shouldn't I be alright now? Hell, it's been over two weeks. I tried numbing up some but became complacent and irritable. At one point I made the decision to be happy. After all if anyone wants you to be happy it is the ones who love you. How can that be him in that little box on my bedside table? I had the childish idea he would never die....
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